I know I can,
But sometimes it gets in my head:
I wanna give up.
I wanna get that knife,
Struck it in my throat;
But I’m afraid of blood.
I wanna get that rope,
Hang myself somewhere;
But I’m afraid of heights.
I wanna get that poison,
Gulp the whole bottle;
But I’m not to brave to do it.
I need to hold on
To someone who can save me from
All of these mess;
Someone I can sit with
In this vast of quietness
And depression and loneliness.
But I guess I’m alone.
I will deal with everything myself,
Me and I.
I thought I was strong
Maybe I worried too much
That’s why until now I’m afraid.
I guess I will run away
Relax my mind and shoulders
And leave the world away.
Umuulan na naman
Kasabay ang hapdi na nararamdaman ng puso ko.
Titila pa nga ba
Ang luha ko dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko?
Kidlat at kulog ng galit
Ay naririnig ko pa din sa likod ng aking isip.
Kahit saan ako lumingon, ikaw pa din ang nasisilip.
Hiwa-hiwalay na ulap na parang pangarap ko:
Kumakapal ngunit unti-unti na ring naglalaho
Sa pagbuhos ng ulan ng kabiguan na hatid mo.
Ano pang silbi ng pagbalik
Kung ang pagitan natin ay ‘sang dipa ng tinik?
Kahit na may kulay rosas pa,
Kung humihiwa naman ito ng pagsisisi sa bawat halik?
Kahit na ako’y giniginaw,
Ano’ng silbi pa ng yakap kung basang-basa na ako sa ulan?
Tatahimik pa ba ang patak nito
Sa bawat pagdampi sa lupa na parang nawawalang pangako.
Lumingon ka sa mga sinabi mo,
Kung hindi mo makita, maaaring naging hangin lang ito.
Ang mga sinulat mo,
Nalulusaw na sa ulan ng luha ko na hindi para sa’yo.
Ako’y magpapatila na lang,
Dahil hindi biro itong bagyong pinagdadaanan ko.
Hihintayin ko na lang
Ang pagsulyap muli ng araw mula sa likod ng mga ulap.
Baka sakaling patuyuin pa nito ang aking mga luha.
Link to version 1
Yipee! What a successful second day!
I didn’t know that I would survive another day without touching my phone. Of course, I have no choice because I left it at home. I didn’t mind whether the texts that are coming were important or not. It’s just I don’t want to see my phone until this self challenge is over.
My boyfriend wonders. His Mom wonders. Everybody around me wonders. Actually, even myself wonders – why am I doing this really? The only thing that comes into my mind right now is that I’m happy that I’m doing a great job on this do-it-myself anti-depression stuff – and it’s almost done!
When I started doing this, good result comes along the way. I manage to eat right, read the book that was lend to me by Annie Dio – yeah, the Eat. Pray. Love book – and I also had time to pray to God about this feelings that bothers me a lot.
It also pushed me to have bonding time with the sun. I just felt right warm during that morning when I was on my way to the office. And I needed that to energize my soul.
However, when I was on the way home, heavy traffic almost ruined my day. I spent 3 hours of my time just sitting inside the jeepney, doing nothing but to check my face on the jeep’s side mirror. Good thing, my thoughts didn’t run somewhere else. I just murmur a prayer so that I can divert my attention and also to ask God to make the traffic do no harm to me.
Anyways, the next day is just a sleep ahead. I hope everything would go fine for me…and for every one I love.
I believe it would.
It’s not that I lost my phone or something, but I really have to do this for some self-control reasons.
Recently, I have this feeling of being depressed, and I want to talk to somebody else just to vent everything out. But unfortunately, there’s no one available except for my boyfriend’s mother, Mama Daisy. She is a good listener. In fact, I shared most of my problems to her including my problem about this son :-P. I heard her words of encouragement which make me somewhat feel good, however, I believe there’s still something wrong and I bothers me 24/5. And I think I’m getting obsessed with her son.
In the articles I just read in the internet about depression and obsession, it says that I should feel lucky because I have discovered this problem before it get worse. And, yeah, I’m glad that I discovered it in its early stage.
So what’s the connection of the “No cell phone” stuff with my dilemma?
Click Click Click!